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There are many looks characters in soapland are required to adopt during their lives: heartache (often, when your partner cheats on you), grief-stricken (when anyone dies – also often, but far worse if it’s a dog), desperation (anyone who has ever been low on money/food/alcohol). But by far the most common one is angst.
Now, the definition of angst in the Cambridge English Dictionary is ‘a feeling of extreme anxiety and unhappiness’, and you might think that applies to pretty much everyone, but there are some who have it in the extreme.
Take EastEnders’ Callum: the man is a walking existential crisis. You get the feeling that if Ben were to move Callum’s toothbrush to a different part of the bathroom, the distraught cop would have to undergo therapy for a year.
Corey recalls the aftermath of the attack on Nina and Seb in this week’s Coronation Street. Pictured: Kelly with Seb
Then there’s Corrie’s Toyah – she could go to Disneyland and make it look like a wake (even that permanent smirk is a Titanic of lips, just sensing looming disaster). And don’t get me started on Emmerdale’s young people… ever thought of just hanging out with your mates and watching YouTube?
Just chill, people! Life’s too short!
CORONATION STREET: TRIAL AND TERROR
There’s inevitably a sinking feeling when anything takes place in a courtroom near Weatherfield: it has the air of the puppetry series Trumpton, and you half expect fire officers Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble and Grubb to start shouting objections from the rafters.
It’s at moments like this that we remember Norris, the court jester par excellence, with his supply of sweets and one-liners; but because of the seriousness of Seb’s death, it’s obvious the show cannot resort to its usual light-heartedness, especially as the attack on Nina and Seb’s murder is based on the real, truly devastating death of Sophie Lancaster.
The attack on Nina (pictured) and Seb’s murder is based on the real, truly devastating death of Sophie Lancaster
As Nina’s memory returns, flashbacks to the night in question gradually reveal the events. Was Kelly coming to the aid of a bleeding Seb, or had she been part of the violence? And as Corey recalls the aftermath of the attack and his part in it, how well will his lies stand up and how effective will his character witness be?
Yes, it’s Tommy flamin’ Orpington. Somebody find the guy another job, please. He’s been riding on the coat tails of being Weatherfield’s answer to Ronaldo for aeons.
EASTENDERS: HONEY TRAP(PED)
Honey tries to make Suki (both pictured) feel better and crack her tough exterior after her son is killed in jail in EastEnders
Kiss me, honey, honey, kiss me. You can almost hear the 1958 Shirley Bassey hit playing in your ears every time Honey and Suki are within breathing distance of each other. Are they just going to be friends, or is there more to it?
Fair play to Honey, she’s really been trying to make Suki feel better since the woman… well, let’s be honest, sent her son to his death in jail. She’s made her lasagne, invited her to an art class, and been the best friend any girl could have.
She promised to crack Suki’s tough exterior, and it’s hard to see how anything short of a JCB to her skull could have done more.
Powerful mothers have always been a feature of Walford, and if Suki’s Boudica complex is not enough, you have Sheree, who is Boudica with bells on, and a heavy dose of Lady Macbeth thrown into the cauldron (yes, plus the three witches).
Why not just throw Suki and Sheree into a boxing ring, and the winner gets to stay? With Shirley, Sharon and Kat circling the whole shebang, I can’t help feeling the men of Walford are becoming somewhat emasculated. Even serial killer Gray is being ground down by Chelsea, who, he is furious to discover, is running up huge debts on his credit card.
Meena (pictured) grabs a paperweight after hearing the front door open while in Victoria’s house in Emmerdale
In the meantime, what lies is he telling when Mick and Shirley ask him to reveal everything he knows about Tina – apart from the fact that she should have stayed away from the knife block, obviously?
EMMERDALE: WORTH ITS WEIGHT?
Never trust a paperweight. A guarantee, in drama: if there’s only one, there will be very little paper. The only reason a paperweight is introduced is if someone intends to use it as a weapon of semi-mass destruction.
When Meena breaks into Victoria’s and hears the front door open, what does she grab? Yes, the paperweight. Quite why it’s there is anybody’s guess; when has Victoria ever needed to hold down a pile of A4?
Is Meena about to claim her next victim, or will she remain calm and leave the place without being seen? Keep an eye out for said paperweight, a recurring prop!
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